I spent Wednesday morning glued to the television watching the McNamee & Clemens hearing on Capitol Hill.  It was a classic case of “he said – he said.”  Listening to these former co-workers and friends adamantly defend their honor against the other’s accusations, the partisan questioning from the committee members, and the inevitable dragging in of family, friends and the institution of baseball, well… it left my stomach so knotted it felt like I had swallowed a brass porcupine.    To top it off, Thursday morning’s newspaper recaps kicked off my day with a heavy heart.  What a gloomy way to start Valentine’s Day!

Now I have been accused of “wearing my heart on my sleeve” on more than one occasion, mind you.  I attribute this to my ability to empathize to a greater degree than most people.  It is what makes me gifted at improving organizational dynamics and teaching, and what makes me uneasy with employee investigations and office politics.

But other than mourning the state of professional baseball, what on earth would allow me to empathize in this scenario?  It’s not like I have ever been called before a congressional committee, played professional athletics, or even had a personal trainer for that matter.  Replaying the hearing debacle in my head, I tried to figure out why it had such an impact on me.

I realized that the familiar sensation I was feeling in my gut was the pain associated with betrayal.  

A betrayal is a violation of trust
Typically, when you think of a betrayal you picture a broken personal partnership like an extramarital affair or an accountant who leaves the country with all of their clients’ life savings – the severe drama that makes for great cinema.  But I would venture to guess that there are very few people who haven’t encountered an on-the-job betrayal at some point or another in their professional careers. 

Some corporate cultures are hot beds for fostering betrayals.  They thrive on gossip, unhealthy internal competition, subjective decisions, and a scarcity mentality.  It’s the “dog eat dog” and “sink or swim” mindset that activates the ego and results in brownnosing and relational maneuvering to clamor up (or hang on to your rung on) the corporate ladder.  This becomes particularly prevalent in times of mergers and acquisitions, and downsizing or changes in leadership.  If you have ever been involved in a layoff, you know that this can arouse feelings of betrayal.

But there are other subtler and equally painful forms of betrayal that can show up at work.
 
Betrayal is when someone you trust lies to you, breaks confidences, gossips about you, doesn’t keep their commitments, or hurts you in any way by putting their own self-interest first.    

I think the thing that gets us most with betrayals is that unlike losses associated with death or illness, betrayals are the result of someone’s intentional choice and are often something that didn’t have to occur.  If we believe the choice was wrong and preventable, it leaves us asking “Why would they do this to me?”  We start to question ourselves, our ability to accurately judge character in others, and what we did to deserve it.

A betrayal is a form of loss
Just because the loss of trust in a relationship is intangible, it doesn’t mean the loss is any less intense.  So the first step in dealing with a betrayal is to recognize that to move through it will require you to move through the same stages of grief you go through when dealing with any other loss:  denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance.

If you are dealing with recovering from a betrayal, it’s important to note that you can’t reach the final stage of acceptance without going through all of the prior stages.  Which means you aren't doing yourself any favors if you try to "do the right thing" and just forgive and forget, or if you get stuck in anger and adopt defensive behavior, or if you avoid the feelings by digging into a project or activity that will take your mind off of it.  It’s important that you allow yourself to experience the emotions, which is the body’s natural way of allowing us to heal and move on. 

Should you stay or should you go?
If you are dealing with a betrayal at work, you may be asking yourself if you should stay and work through it, or cut bait and move on.  I always tell people “Trust your gut!” but answering these questions may provide you more clarity:

• Is the behavior typical in the organization or a single occurrence?
• Did they recognize the hurt they caused and try to change their behavior?
• Did they apologize, accept responsibility, and ask for forgiveness?
• Was the behavior intentional?
• Are they likely to do it again?
• What makes this relationship worth your forgiving the betrayal?

The Center for Nonviolent Communication has a needs inventory which is a list of words that describe some of the foundational elements required for a healthy and productive connection between people.  I like to use this list as a litmus test of sorts.  Think about the relationship you are questioning, look through the list, and guage how you feel.  If you end up with significantly more pluses than minuses,  it's a pretty good sign.  Plus, it may provide you a way to objectively remind yourself of what the other benefits come with working through the betrayal.

Relationships at work are important
I once heard the advice “Be friendly, but not friends” when dealing with co-workers.  I think that advice is absurd.  Next to your family and inner circle of friends, your most immediate relationships are at work.  We spend a lot of time at work, so how you feel there and the quality of your relationships there has a big impact on your quality of life.  Plus, scientific studies show that when we feel good, we are much more effective at work.  So the key isn’t to avoid relationships, but to form healthy and appropriate ones. 

If you have experienced a betrayal at work, don’t allow yourself to retreat and disengage.  Instead, allow yourself to grieve the loss.  And when the sky clears, which it will, recognize that out of darkness comes light. 

After all of news surrounding the baseball steroid investigations, the New England Patriots spying allegations, and Indiana's Coach Sampson's illegal recruiting tactics, I am ready for some light in the form of light-hearted fun.   Suffice it to say that Spring Training is right around the corner and I will be keeping my sunglasses handy.